


Words Left Unsaid

by Crowley (Tay_Cipher7)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending - Star Trek: Into Darkness, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, Irony, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad, Slightly Introspective, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Unhappy Ending, Vulcan Affection, Vulcan Kisses, no beta we die like-
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28972629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tay_Cipher7/pseuds/Crowley
Summary: “How...how do you chose not to feel?” Kirk just wanted it to go away; the pain had already begun to fade, but the pure debilitating terror and the heartache it left made him want to shake apart and shatter.Spock shook his head and his lips pierced. “I do not know. Right now I am failing.”
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Words Left Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> In which Kirk finally confesses, but doesn't make it out in the end.

  
  


The footsteps approaching the chamber door felt deafening to Kirk's sensitive ears. His body felt like it was boiling yet he ached with a pain so searing, he was cold and shivering. 

The footsteps got louder—louder than the rush of blood in his head and the buzz of the reactor behind him. 

Kirk groaned as a shudder wracked through him.

The extra noise encouraged him to reach up to close the door to the reactor, finally blocking himself off from the overwhelming outpour of radiation.

The ringing in his ears rose in pitch making his head ache before dying down and allowing him to hear normally. 

Kirk leaned against the edge of the door, finally able to gather what strength he had to look up and the kneeling figure on the other side.

 _Spock_.

Kirk took a shuddering breath of deadly air, unable to keep his heart from aching in more than just physical pain. He blinked steadily, trying, and failing, to keep the image of Spock clear; his eyes refusing to stay in focus long enough for him to take one last look at the man he loved.

He struggled to breathe as he gazed at the glass. “How’s our ship?” Did they succeed; or was it all for nothing? 

“Out of danger,” Spock said. His voice seemed lower than it usually was. Kirk could tell that he had yet to look away.

He wondered if he was a sad sight. He wouldn’t be surprised if he were.

Spock spoke again, “You saved the crew.”

Relief ran through his whole being like a balm on a burn, only, just for a moment, letting him forget the mounting pain that was consuming him.  
  
But he didn’t do it all alone.

The corner of his lips twitched up as he struggled through a wet chuckle, “You’re always so clever, but you already knew that. You used what he wanted against him.” Breathing was getting harder. Kirk took a few shallow breaths before he could manage the rest, “It was a nice move.” Oh, how he hoped Spock could tell how pleased he was.

Kirk watched as a single, traitorous, tear ran down Spock’s cheek and his eyes got glassy with more. “It is what you would have done.”

Kirk wanted to laugh until he cried, but all his body could handle was a wavering smile, “And _this_ , this is what you would have done. It was only logical.”

And it was true, the self-sacrificing Vulcan who always made his heart race whether from panic, pride or pleasure, would always put the needs of the many over himself. Sometimes, Kirk wished he wouldn’t, but he couldn’t expect the man to change for it. After all, _it was logical._

His own thoughts amused him, albeit kept him depressed as well. He hoped that this, these last actions, would make Spock proud, perhaps even make the Vulcan like him a little bit. He only ever wanted Spock to _like_ him.

His body grew numb, no longer able to feel most of himself. His heart clenched as it got slower, trying to lull him into a permanent sleep.

Kirk swallowed thick and tears pricked at his eyes. “I’m scared, Spock,” he croaked. And he was, he was terrified, facing death as the man he loved most stood on the other side, watching. “Please,” he pleaded. “Help me not be.”

Spock's face fell, his stoicism cracking as his lips trembled nearly imperceptibly. More tears fell down his cheeks. The slightest green flush settled high on his cheekbones and at the tips of his ears.

The image made Kirk's heart constrict harshly. “How...how do you chose not to feel?” He just wanted it to go away; the pain had already begun to fade, but the pure, debilitating terror and the heartache it left made him want to shake apart and shatter as his body continued to devour itself.

Spock shook his head and his lips pierced. His jaw flexed as he continued to stare unwaveringly.

Kirk’s heart dropped to his stomach. He felt so helpless; so hopeless; so broken. 

Spock took a shuttering breath in. “I do not know. Right now I am failing.”

That brought more tears to Kirk’s eyes. They were like needles pricking until a sob caught in his throat. As much as he wanted to see Spock more visually expressive, the sorrow that painted the usually inexpressive face turned Kirk’s own ten-fold. 

The next inhale was agonizing, like he was breathing in acid. He needed to tell him, he needed him to understand. “I need you t-to know why I couldn’t let you die. Why I went back for you.” His voice broke pathetically. The effort it took to speak was growing to be too much. 

Spock swallowed noisily, throat clicking, “Because you are my friend.” His voice was strained and tight, cracking slightly at the stress.

Kirk wanted to let that sob out—the one still building behind his teeth—to cry to the stars and to let the misery end...but Spock had to know. _He had to know._

“No.” His eyes blurred as he tried to stare into the very soul of the man he wanted to bare it to, “Because I love you.”

It was as if Spock’s whole world shattered irreparably right then. His expression crumbled instantly, leaving only pure anguish in its wake.

If Kirk could take it back, even if for his own selfish reasons, he probably would. It suddenly felt cruel to have said such a thing. Spock didn’t deserve that burden, he didn’t need the knowledge to weigh on him, yet Kirk had given it to him anyway. He really was selfish. Perhaps he deserved the silence that followed. The only noise left was his own hitched breaths.

He used the last of his strength to raise his hand to the pane that separated them. All he wanted was comfort now, that’s all. Whatever Spock was willing to offer, he’d soak it up...like a dying man.

Spock’s hand rose and pressed onto the glass on the other side of his. _Ta’al,_ the Vulcan symbol for hello and goodbye. The irony was not lost on him.  
  
Kirk’s world started getting darker as his vision narrowed.

He gently, by some miracle, shifted his fingers ever so slightly to mirror Spock’s.

It was a greeting. It was a farewell. It was a confession.

The air seemed to run out. The darkness consumed him and his body went completely numb.

A strained cough.

One last exhale. 

_I love you..._

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you're sad, that was the point.
> 
> Anyway, despite such, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Comments and Kudos keep me going~


End file.
